It's been almost 3 weeks since my D&C and I'm feeling more like talking about things. I still can't believe this pregnancy ended as quick as it started. It's been like an awakening. Another one of those things you can't describe until you've been through it. My heart goes out to all those women who have miscarriages and don't have any other children. THAT must really be heartbreaking. I am truly blessed to have my two. I am sad knowing I might not have anymore children, but feel blessed I was able to go thru a pregnancy at all. I think God blessed me with this one to show me how blessed I was and to be grateful for what I have here and now. But that doesn't stop the sadness.
Hubby wonders why I think about it all the time still. Why I still get sad and can't let it go. It's hard for me to answer him. I think the easiest way to answer it tho is that I know what I'm missing out on. I'm missing out on seeing another child grow up. Learn how to roll, crawl, walk, talk and love his/her siblings. I see how Max is with other little babies and I know he woulda been a GREAT big brother. Emily woulda been a great big sister, but I think she woulda needed a little prodding. She kept telling me how babies are noisy. LOL I think it's hard for her to compete for attention as it is with just Max then adding another child into the mix. But I know it woulda worked out in the end.
We don't know how hubbys health is gonna be. We take for granted that he's gonna be fine and his cancer isn't gonna come back. We are hopeful in that respect too. I don't want him to... I can't even say it or type it. It's a horrible word. The 'F' word isn't a bad word, the "D" word is. I can't even think about it.
We're all getting back into a routine and things are going a little better then they were. We're still having bedtime issues with Max, but otherwise we're working on it. They both love school and have made some great friends. I even recently found out that Lisa Beamer's daughter Morgan go to the same school as the twins. How cool is that? So when history books talk of 9/11 and Todd Beamer, they can say they went to school with his daughter. I am in awe of Lisa and how she has handled herself and this whole situation. She's an amazing woman that's just a regular woman like me. I feel honored to be near her tho. She has a presence around her that I can't even describe.
Anyway, it's 1am and I'm tired. Finally. I had a bout with insomnia, but exhaustion is finally kicking in. Maybe getting all this out has helped. Who knows.
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